Thursday, November 26, 2015
Texting Passages
-9/26/15
So here I am, in the backseat of a car filled with my family, that is traveling to Burlington, VT, to go to a wedding. I feel years older then I really am, wearing high heels for the first time, and in this, being as tall as my mom. Wearing a dress, when I don't usually like the idea of not being able to run around, but even though I can't run, I feel pretty for once, maybe pretty enough to catch someones attention. However, the person that I want to catch the attention of is at my school, and I don't get to see him other then a few times a day on weekdays. Plus, I would never be caught wearing a dress, let alone high heels, to school. I don't like having the attention on me, as it would be if I wore a dress. But I believe that soon, the first middle school dance will take place, and even though I don't wear a dress to the first three dances, I hope that the person I want the attention of will ask me to dance with him for one of the slow dance songs.
-10/1/15
I'm on the bus right now, sitting next to my bff, who is ALWAYS singing on the bus, which is fine with me, but I wish that she would play a few more songs that I know and can sing to. I love to sing, but I never sing to songs that I don't know the lyrics to, and I never sing around people that I don't trust. The people that have heard me sing say that I have a good singing voice, but I honestly don't think so, because to myself, my voice sounds kinda gravelly.
-10/4/15
I have begun to take walks on a regular basis, the walks being from 1 to 5 miles long. I hope to take a 7 mile walk sometime soon, and increase how long my walks are from there. My ultimate goal is to walk to Ludlow and back, a walk that would be an estimated 18 mile trip there and back, and about an 10 hour walk.
-10/5/15
Last night I was faced with the dilemma of choosing to take back my ex boyfriend because he realized his mistake of leaving me. I was also starting to like another boy that has been mentioned in previous passages, but I still love my ex, and still isn't over him, so I decided to take him back. We've started to cuddle like we used to, and on the bus on the way home from school, he kissed me about 4x, leaving me unable to think AT ALL lol. So now I'm waiting for him at the end of his road because we are going to walk to Colby Pond. But it looks like he's coming now, so I'll post on that later.
-10/10/15
I become happier and happier, and I finally learn to swim through my thoughts. But then the situation at home gets worse. My mom and dad start to yell at me, and won't let me eat anything except for a snack and dinner when I come home from school. And even though I love to take walks, I'm practically forced to walk a mile every other day, while losing pounds that I can't afford to lose. My bff helps me to smile and laugh through everything, but I don't know if I will ever be able to escape. My thoughts tell me to die, die, die, that I'm worthless, I'm sick, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, that I shouldn't even be alive. I try to sleep as much as possible, as the thoughts can't disturb me when I'm sleeping. I wish that I could sleep forever... but I can't let anybody know that. So I keep a smile on my face, a fake laugh at hand, so that nobody finds out, so that nobody thinks I'm insane...
11/10/15
I haven't written in here for a while, so I'll get you up to date. In the last two weeks I've tried to commit suicide twice, I've been going through a LOT of mood swings, and my bff told me that she thought that I was suffering through anxiety. Despite all this I've managed to get 4 A's and 3 B's, which is much better then last years grades. This Friday, I get to play in front of the whole middle school with the MS Band. Then on either Tuesday we have to play in a concert in front of family and friends. I found the courage to break up with my bf for reasons that I REALLY don't want to explain.
Oh yeah, I also have figured out that I'm bisexual. So now I'm in love with my bff, who is also bi but has a bf and doesn't love me back. I think about it every single fucking day, and it makes me so fucking depressed. I think that's the reason that I tried to commit suicide. I love her so much...I WILL wait for her if I have to, but all I can do is hope that someday she'll love me back... She'll probably never love me... on the bus she cuddles up with her bf and they look so cute, and I feel really happy for her, but I still wish that it was me in her bf's place. God I love her. I always will I swear to god. But if she ever will love me... I'm afraid that I may never get to see that day... I may end up committing suicide and dieing before then, watching all the happy couples on the bus makes me so depressed.....
11/20/15
My life is a wreak. I'm so fucking confused nowadays, I don't know what to do... I keep watching my bff cuddle with her bf and another couple snuggle... I can't help but wish I had somebody... course I want one certain person but they don't like me back (I mentioned them in the last passage)... The other day I tried to commit suicide by taking 64 pills because I was really really depressed by this... it didn't work of course, but that only makes me want to try again, with more pills. I love her so much... I would die for her, but she would never die for me. She would die for her bf...the one she loves and the one that loves her. God I really wish that she loved me back... She never will, will she? I...I'm crying so much from typing this out, but I have to type it out, so that people know my story. She's never going to love me back, ever... *sob* she hates me now I think... We aren't as close as we used to be... I hate it, I wish that life could be like it was like before. She's never going to love me...she's always going to love him not me... *sob* *sob* I want to die.....
So here I am, in the backseat of a car filled with my family, that is traveling to Burlington, VT, to go to a wedding. I feel years older then I really am, wearing high heels for the first time, and in this, being as tall as my mom. Wearing a dress, when I don't usually like the idea of not being able to run around, but even though I can't run, I feel pretty for once, maybe pretty enough to catch someones attention. However, the person that I want to catch the attention of is at my school, and I don't get to see him other then a few times a day on weekdays. Plus, I would never be caught wearing a dress, let alone high heels, to school. I don't like having the attention on me, as it would be if I wore a dress. But I believe that soon, the first middle school dance will take place, and even though I don't wear a dress to the first three dances, I hope that the person I want the attention of will ask me to dance with him for one of the slow dance songs.
-10/1/15
I'm on the bus right now, sitting next to my bff, who is ALWAYS singing on the bus, which is fine with me, but I wish that she would play a few more songs that I know and can sing to. I love to sing, but I never sing to songs that I don't know the lyrics to, and I never sing around people that I don't trust. The people that have heard me sing say that I have a good singing voice, but I honestly don't think so, because to myself, my voice sounds kinda gravelly.
-10/4/15
I have begun to take walks on a regular basis, the walks being from 1 to 5 miles long. I hope to take a 7 mile walk sometime soon, and increase how long my walks are from there. My ultimate goal is to walk to Ludlow and back, a walk that would be an estimated 18 mile trip there and back, and about an 10 hour walk.
-10/5/15
Last night I was faced with the dilemma of choosing to take back my ex boyfriend because he realized his mistake of leaving me. I was also starting to like another boy that has been mentioned in previous passages, but I still love my ex, and still isn't over him, so I decided to take him back. We've started to cuddle like we used to, and on the bus on the way home from school, he kissed me about 4x, leaving me unable to think AT ALL lol. So now I'm waiting for him at the end of his road because we are going to walk to Colby Pond. But it looks like he's coming now, so I'll post on that later.
-10/10/15
I become happier and happier, and I finally learn to swim through my thoughts. But then the situation at home gets worse. My mom and dad start to yell at me, and won't let me eat anything except for a snack and dinner when I come home from school. And even though I love to take walks, I'm practically forced to walk a mile every other day, while losing pounds that I can't afford to lose. My bff helps me to smile and laugh through everything, but I don't know if I will ever be able to escape. My thoughts tell me to die, die, die, that I'm worthless, I'm sick, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, that I shouldn't even be alive. I try to sleep as much as possible, as the thoughts can't disturb me when I'm sleeping. I wish that I could sleep forever... but I can't let anybody know that. So I keep a smile on my face, a fake laugh at hand, so that nobody finds out, so that nobody thinks I'm insane...
11/10/15
I haven't written in here for a while, so I'll get you up to date. In the last two weeks I've tried to commit suicide twice, I've been going through a LOT of mood swings, and my bff told me that she thought that I was suffering through anxiety. Despite all this I've managed to get 4 A's and 3 B's, which is much better then last years grades. This Friday, I get to play in front of the whole middle school with the MS Band. Then on either Tuesday we have to play in a concert in front of family and friends. I found the courage to break up with my bf for reasons that I REALLY don't want to explain.
Oh yeah, I also have figured out that I'm bisexual. So now I'm in love with my bff, who is also bi but has a bf and doesn't love me back. I think about it every single fucking day, and it makes me so fucking depressed. I think that's the reason that I tried to commit suicide. I love her so much...I WILL wait for her if I have to, but all I can do is hope that someday she'll love me back... She'll probably never love me... on the bus she cuddles up with her bf and they look so cute, and I feel really happy for her, but I still wish that it was me in her bf's place. God I love her. I always will I swear to god. But if she ever will love me... I'm afraid that I may never get to see that day... I may end up committing suicide and dieing before then, watching all the happy couples on the bus makes me so depressed.....
11/20/15
My life is a wreak. I'm so fucking confused nowadays, I don't know what to do... I keep watching my bff cuddle with her bf and another couple snuggle... I can't help but wish I had somebody... course I want one certain person but they don't like me back (I mentioned them in the last passage)... The other day I tried to commit suicide by taking 64 pills because I was really really depressed by this... it didn't work of course, but that only makes me want to try again, with more pills. I love her so much... I would die for her, but she would never die for me. She would die for her bf...the one she loves and the one that loves her. God I really wish that she loved me back... She never will, will she? I...I'm crying so much from typing this out, but I have to type it out, so that people know my story. She's never going to love me back, ever... *sob* she hates me now I think... We aren't as close as we used to be... I hate it, I wish that life could be like it was like before. She's never going to love me...she's always going to love him not me... *sob* *sob* I want to die.....
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