La Douleur Exquise

I want to kiss her, so badly, but she has a boyfriend, so it would be extremely rude to kiss her, even on the cheek, but there isn't a day that goes by that I wish that I was her boyfriend... I want to try something tho.... at the next dance, whenever that is, I want to recommend the song "Lay Down Beside Me" by Alison Krauss, which I believe would be considered a slow dance song, and I want to convince her to come to my corner of the gym with me, I'll ask her if we can cuddle like we did at the first dance, and hopefully she'll say yes... and I'll hum to the song while cuddling with her...but near the end of the song what I want to do is tell her that I want to do something but that it would be kinda rude to do to be honest and that she would probably hate me for it, and she'll probably ask what I want to do, and I'll sit up a bit, brush away any of her hair that's in the way, and kiss her, at least on the cheek, just a small kiss....

i found razors 

Texting Passages

          -9/26/15        
     So here I am, in the backseat of a car filled with my family, that is traveling to Burlington, VT, to go to a wedding.  I feel years older then I really am, wearing high heels for the first time, and in this, being as tall as my mom.  Wearing a dress, when I don't usually like the idea of not being able to run around, but even though I can't run, I feel pretty for once, maybe pretty enough to catch someones attention. However, the person that I want to catch the attention of is at my school, and I don't get to see him other then a few times a day on weekdays.  Plus, I would never be caught wearing a dress, let alone high heels, to school.  I don't like having the attention on me, as it would be if I wore a dress.  But I believe that soon, the first middle school dance will take place, and even though I don't wear a dress to the first three dances, I hope that the person I want the attention of will ask me to dance with him for one of the slow dance songs.

          -10/1/15
     I'm on the bus right now, sitting next to my bff, who is ALWAYS singing on the bus, which is fine with me, but I wish that she would play a few more songs that I know and can sing to.  I love to sing, but I never sing to songs that I don't know the lyrics to, and I never sing around people that I don't trust.  The people that have heard me sing say that I have a good singing voice, but I honestly don't think so, because to myself, my voice sounds kinda gravelly.

          -10/4/15
     I have begun to take walks on a regular basis, the walks being from 1 to 5 miles long.  I hope to take a 7 mile walk sometime soon, and increase how long my walks are from there.  My ultimate goal is to walk to Ludlow and back, a walk that would be an estimated 18 mile trip there and back, and about an 10 hour walk.

          -10/5/15
     Last night I was faced with the dilemma of choosing to take back my ex boyfriend because he realized his mistake of leaving me.  I was also starting to like another boy that has been mentioned in previous passages, but I still love my ex, and still isn't over him, so I decided to take him back.  We've started to cuddle like we used to, and on the bus on the way home from school, he kissed me about 4x, leaving me unable to think AT ALL lol.  So now I'm waiting for him at the end of his road because we are going to walk to Colby Pond.  But it looks like he's coming now, so I'll post on that later.

          -10/10/15
     I become happier and happier, and I finally learn to swim through my thoughts. But then the situation at home gets worse.  My mom and dad start to yell at me, and won't let me eat anything except for a snack and dinner when I come home from school. And even though I love to take walks, I'm practically forced to walk a mile every other day, while losing pounds that I can't afford to lose.  My bff helps me to smile and laugh through everything, but I don't know if I will ever be able to escape.  My thoughts tell me to die, die, die, that I'm worthless, I'm sick, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, that I shouldn't even be alive.  I try to sleep as much as possible, as the thoughts can't disturb me when I'm sleeping.  I wish that I could sleep forever... but I can't let anybody know that.  So I keep a smile on my face, a fake laugh at hand, so that nobody finds out, so that nobody thinks I'm insane...

          11/10/15
     I haven't written in here for a while, so I'll get you up to date.  In the last two weeks I've tried to commit suicide twice, I've been going through a LOT of mood swings, and my bff told me that she thought that I was suffering through anxiety.  Despite all this I've managed to get 4 A's and 3 B's, which is much better then last years grades.  This Friday, I get to play in front of the whole middle school with the MS Band.  Then on either Tuesday we have to play in a concert in front of family and friends.  I found the courage to break up with my bf for reasons that I REALLY don't want to explain.
Oh yeah, I also have figured out that I'm bisexual.  So now I'm in love with my bff, who is also bi but has a bf and doesn't love me back.  I think about it every single fucking day, and it makes me so fucking depressed.  I think that's the reason that I tried to commit suicide.  I love her so much...I WILL wait for her if I have to, but all I can do is hope that someday she'll love me back... She'll probably never love me... on the bus she cuddles up with her bf and they look so cute, and I feel really happy for her, but I still wish that it was me in her bf's place.  God I love her.  I always will I swear to god.  But if she ever will love me... I'm afraid that I may never get to see that day... I may end up committing suicide and dieing before then, watching all the happy couples on the bus makes me so depressed.....

          11/20/15
     My life is a wreak.  I'm so fucking confused nowadays, I don't know what to do... I keep watching my bff cuddle with her bf and another couple snuggle... I can't help but wish I had somebody... course I want one certain person but they don't like me back (I mentioned them in the last passage)... The other day I tried to commit suicide by taking 64 pills because I was really really depressed by this... it didn't work of course, but that only makes me want to try again, with more pills.  I love her so much... I would die for her, but she would never die for me.  She would die for her bf...the one she loves and the one that loves her.  God I really wish that she loved me back... She never will, will she?  I...I'm crying so much from typing this out, but I have to type it out, so that people know my story.  She's never going to love me back, ever... *sob* she hates me now I think... We aren't as close as we used to be... I hate it, I wish that life could be like it was like before.  She's never going to love me...she's always going to love him not me... *sob* *sob* I want to die.....
   

My School Life

So I'm a 8th grader, as you might have guessed already.  I love to learn new things about the world, but I've never been a very big fan of going to school.  Sometimes its fun, sure, but it just gets tiring after a while.  Doing homework all the time, never having a chance to have fun at home cause it takes most of the time away from your day.  Plus the chance that you may get bullied or will never get good grades cause of non-understanding teachers.  Or even worse, never having any friends.  Sure, you have the friends that you made in elementary school, but lets face it, most of those friendships end over time.  I'm a really shy person at heart, and have always had a hard time getting to know other people.  So when I entered middle school, I thought that I would be picked on, and never have any friends to help me through the dark moods that I have frequently.  It was that way at first, but over time I got to know my classmates, and I made one of the best friends that I'll ever have.  She's my BFF and she listens to me rant when I'm angry, she always manages to make me laugh when I've forgotten how to smile, and she reminds me of what i have to live for when I want to die.  Sure, we fight sometimes, but doesn't everyone?  I have a feeling that we will always be friends, for the rest of our lives.

But anyways, onto the bullying.  I've always been afraid of being bullied.  Unfortunately, that doesn't help me not be bullied.  I've been bullied before, and it sucks.  Just being bullied for the smallest reasons can make somebody go into depression.  Whether you were bullied for small or big reasons, it still doesn't make school easier.  I've gotten bullied for having no fashion sense, for having a weak and permanently sick father, for being short, and for other reasons that I will not mention.  It hurts, not just physically but also emotionally.  You don't know how to get the bullies to stop. You don't want to tell anyone about it cause you're afraid that the bully and his friends will find you and beat you up. I get it.  I never told anyone.  And I've been hurt badly because of it.  But you know what else hurts because of the bullying?  The fact that I couldn't tell anybody.  It broke my heart, or it broke it in places that had never been broken before.  I couldn't trust anyone, I still can't fully trust anybody.  I'm always afraid that they will turn on me and start to torment me.

Well, that's all I have to say right now, I'll try to post another blog soon!
                                                                                                           -Abigail

Songs

I often have many songs in my head at a time.  Sometimes I refer to my head as a media player, as I'm usually able to figure out the lyrics to songs that I know by thinking of a part of the lyrics, a song name, or the artist of the song.  Sometime I know a song that my mom can't guess off the top of her head, even when shes the one that introduced the song to me.

I also like to write my own songs.  I haven't published them or anything, but I've written 2 different songs, both very emotional.  Here, you can look at the lyrics if you want to:


Not Alright
by A.L.M

I hadn't always felt alone,
going down that broken road.
I used to be so happy,
and I always was singing.
But then the clouds came,
and fogged up my mind.

(chorus:)
Told my friends that I was alright,
cutting and bleeding out at night.
Faking a smile here and there,
crying out so many tears.
I was not alright.

It was small at first, but then it grew,
depression coming forth anew.
Wondering if anyone would notice,
me feeling very hopeless.
One person relized all this,
but he didn't think it would have a twist.

(chorus)

I couldn't take it anymore,
and I wanted to be done.
So I grabbed my dads gun,
and put it to my head.
Whispered,'goodbye everyone,'
and pulled the trigger and I'm dead.

(chorus 2x)



Friend
by A.L.M

My life has never been the same,
since I found the way.
Out of the darkness,
into the light.
I have found my cure,
for everything wrong.

(chorus:)
The key to the light,
instead of it being in the dark,
its inside something very simple.
The best thing you'll ever have,
that is at your side all the time.
Your best friends.

I had been walking on that dark road,
for the longest time.
I always hoped that somebody would notice,
but no one ever seemed to.
so i grabbed some old rope and
I started to prepare for my death.

(chorus)

The time had come, and
As I stood on my stool,
with the noose around my neck,
someone started to knock on the door.
My friends barged into my bedroom, and
held my hand while they untied the noose.

(chorus 2x)


I've always liked emotional songs.  Love songs, depressing songs, most songs that are emotional, chances are that I've listened to them.  If I haven't heard of a emotional song, its probably a new song, or a song by an artist that I don't usually listen to.

Well, this is all that I can write for now, I hope that you like my two songs.  If you have any suggestions about how I can make them better, please comment.  Thanks for reading!
                                                                                                     -Abigail

St. Louis Life

        As I said before, I used to live in Missouri, or more specifically, the small town next to the now news famous Ferguson. The little town that I lived in was called Florissant.  Missouri is a state known for it's famous city, St. Louis, which is known for the Arch, otherwise known as The Gateway to the West.  I actually lived very close to St. Louis, and for a long time thought that my family lived in St. Louis.  Of course, this was when I was little and didn't know the minor town names.

        Anyways, I lived in Missouri till I was 10, so I had to fight to survive.  When I was around 6, I learned how to hold my fist the correct way so that if I ever got in a fight, I wouldn't break my thumb.  I learned the best pressure points to punch somebody at, how to do a upper cut, and all those small fighting moves, so that I would never get beaten up.   I learned what to do if somebody tried to kidnap me.  When I was 9, my bike got stolen when I had just begun not to use my training wheels.  St. Louis was a city of murder and crime, and if you lived there and didn't know anything about the rest of the US, you would often think that its normal to have a lot of crime in a city.

         I'm also the smallest and youngest in my family, so I was very prone to threats from my older brother and sister.  My brother is much bigger than me, and very strong, so to ensure that I would to do what he wanted me to, he would twist my arm or slap me on the head really hard, but not to much, otherwise Mom and Dad would find out.  My sister is much more peaceful then my brother, so she would use little threats and blackmails so that I wouldn't tell on her or so that I would do what she wanted.  I was what you would call the runt of the litter, and let me tell you, it isn't fun. Being ignored, and almost always never getting what I want, like an allowance, when my brother and sister did, and still do.

       I was home schooled from 1st-4th grade, so I had pretty much no friends except for a kid that lived just down the road.  My life was boring, and I had nothing to do except for cleaning my room and reading.  With the exception of a few family outings to restaurants, of course.  My family had no known relatives in Missouri, so we didn't have anywhere to visit.  Once or twice we got to visit Vermont and New Hampshire, where most of our relatives live.  We also had a few family friends that we would go visit every now and then.  But most of the time I would be doing my chores.

      There was also very good food in Missouri.  Lots of fast food that was very yummy.  Popeye's fried chicken, White Castles, Taco Bell, KFC, Steak and Shake, Arby's, all of these really good fast food chains.  Also places where if you ate enough of their food, you would probably get obese or get really sick.  The food isn't exactly healthy, but its really good tasting, and very addictive.  Here and there you would find the friendly diners that served healthier food.  They were mostly family diners, and they loved to get business.  My family often went to those diners, cause they always had good food, and were always willing to talk to the customers about politics and what was going on in the city.

     Well, thanks for reading this Missouri themed blog, I hope that you learned a little bit about St. Louis, and my life in Florissant.  I'll try to post another blog soon!
                                                                                                       - Abigail

About Me

Hey, I just wanted to thank everyone who takes the time to read my blog.  I haven't been able to post blogs recently, so I will try to catch up.  For now though, I'm back to tell you a little bit about me and my family.

• My name is Abigail, though people usually call me Abby. 

• I live in South Reading, VT.

• I'm 13 years old.

• My birthday is July 8th, 2002.

• I used to live in the town next to Ferguson, MO.

• I have one brother and one sister.

• I live in the basement of our house.

• I speak french (Bonjour! Ca va?).

• I play 4 instruments fluently (trumpet, saxophone, clarinet, and violin).

• I LOVE to be outside, walk around, and garden.

• I have the biggest book collection in my family.

• My family has 4 dogs, 5 cats, 5 guinea pigs, 2 rabbits, 6 fish, and 16 chickens.

• My family is very musical. My big sister plays clarinet, my mom can play any instrument except for woodwinds, my older brother can play kazoo, and I most of the time play trumpet and violin.

• I have many nicknames, including Peanut and Ms. Pickles.

• I love to cook, but sometimes my baked creations fail or fall apart.

• My family doesn't know this, but I love to run and be the goalie in soccer. 

• I love to draw.... something that my family has only started to realize.

My Typical Day

       Hello everyone! My name is Abby and I'm a new blogger starting here, so I guess that I will start my blogging with a typical day of my life.

       When I start the day I often take a really long time to wake up, so when mom yells down the stairs at 8:00 for me to wake up, I usually just fall back to sleep.  Then mom calls down the stairs again at either 8:30 or 9:00 and I am forced to get out of bed.  I go straight upstairs and right away take the grown-up chickens outside. The reason that we have the chickens inside in the first place is that my father has not finished building our chicken coop yet, and also last year we had some problems with a fox coming to our house and eating three of our chickens.  So now we have an electric fence where the chickens can walk around and eat the grass along with the scraps and chicken feed that I throw out to them.  I also have to feed the baby chicks that are inside.  We recently got two more chicks and named them Katniss and Primrose, like the two sisters from the Hunger Games.  Of course, they aren't really sisters, in fact, they're two different breeds, a Faverolle and a Dominique.  We have sixteen chicks and chickens in all so far, and dad says that we will be able to have around twenty chickens once the chicken coop is finished.
      
       Once I'm done with taking care of the chickens, I eat a very short breakfast really quickly, if I even have time for breakfast.  I then put away the dishes that are in the dishwasher and dish drainer and go to clean my room.  Sweeping, cleaning off my bed, pretty much doing what it takes to make mom happy for at least a little bit.  I often read about 10 books a day, so that keeps me busy for a good portion of the day.  Sometimes though, I like to go outside and walk to the pond in our backyard to watch to tadpoles swim around and to catch a few frogs and salamanders only to let each of them go after a minute or two.  While I'm outside, I always check on the chickens, give them some food, and check for eggs.  Only three out of the nine chickens are laying eggs, cause the other chickens are still to young to lay.  

        I eat a small lunch, and read a little more.  Every now and then I get to go to ludlow with my dad in the afternoon.  Mom usually sends us to Shaws with a list of things to buy, so we go to buy all the stuff on the list, and then we go to Cumberland Farms (also called Cumbys).  Dad gets his usual iced coffee, while I try to decide between a cappuccino and a slushy.  When we are done in there, sometimes we go to the hardware store and browse, or we go home.  Throughout the day, I get on Skype and chat with my friend Hawley.  We talk about many different things like what some good song lyrics are and we send pictures to each other.  I consider Hawley as my best friend, and I believe that I am lucky to be able to talk to her often.  Anyways, at 8, I have to bring the chickens back inside and feed and water them.  Every now and then we give the chickens dried mealworms, which sounds disgusting (believe me, I know), but the chickens will go crazy trying to get a mealworm.  I eat some dinner, and then I read another book before I go to bed.

       This is a typical day in my life.  Sometimes a few extra things happen, like me and mom going to a chicken swap, our whole family going to grandpa and grandma's house, or even me and dad going to the movies every now and then. 
                                                                                              Thanks for reading this!
                                                                                                                   -Abigail