Saturday, February 20, 2016
2/19/16
Well, I really haven't written here for a while now, have I? I've mostly been busy this year, with school and emotional crap, I haven't had much time to write here on my blog. But 8th grade this year is awesome, so far. I like this so much better then 7th grade, probably mostly because I have a better attitude this year, although there have been bumpy parts so far this year. The cutting has gotten a bit worse. It got so bad that I now have to go to therapy every week, but I still cut. Not as much as before therapy, but still a lot. Just last night I cut up my hand to the point where I couldn't move it around without it hurting. My boyfriend and my best friend (yes I still have a really bad crush on her but I'm trying to forget about it, although it hurts me greatly), they both know that I cut, but they couldn't do anything about it, although my friend has now threatened to find my blades and take them away. I really hope that she doesn't find them, its really my only way to relieve myself of my emotional pain. Therapy helps sometimes of course, being able to spill out my feelings to somebody that will keep them confidential. But that doesn't always help, and that's when I end up cutting. I hate cutting myself, but its the only other way, besides drinking, to get rid of my pain. But I hope that eventually I'll be able to stop cutting. Until then, we'll see how my situation ends up.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
La Douleur Exquise
I want to kiss her, so badly, but she has a boyfriend, so it would be extremely rude to kiss her, even on the cheek, but there isn't a day that goes by that I wish that I was her boyfriend... I want to try something tho.... at the next dance, whenever that is, I want to recommend the song "Lay Down Beside Me" by Alison Krauss, which I believe would be considered a slow dance song, and I want to convince her to come to my corner of the gym with me, I'll ask her if we can cuddle like we did at the first dance, and hopefully she'll say yes... and I'll hum to the song while cuddling with her...but near the end of the song what I want to do is tell her that I want to do something but that it would be kinda rude to do to be honest and that she would probably hate me for it, and she'll probably ask what I want to do, and I'll sit up a bit, brush away any of her hair that's in the way, and kiss her, at least on the cheek, just a small kiss....
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Texting Passages
-9/26/15
So here I am, in the backseat of a car filled with my family, that is traveling to Burlington, VT, to go to a wedding. I feel years older then I really am, wearing high heels for the first time, and in this, being as tall as my mom. Wearing a dress, when I don't usually like the idea of not being able to run around, but even though I can't run, I feel pretty for once, maybe pretty enough to catch someones attention. However, the person that I want to catch the attention of is at my school, and I don't get to see him other then a few times a day on weekdays. Plus, I would never be caught wearing a dress, let alone high heels, to school. I don't like having the attention on me, as it would be if I wore a dress. But I believe that soon, the first middle school dance will take place, and even though I don't wear a dress to the first three dances, I hope that the person I want the attention of will ask me to dance with him for one of the slow dance songs.
-10/1/15
I'm on the bus right now, sitting next to my bff, who is ALWAYS singing on the bus, which is fine with me, but I wish that she would play a few more songs that I know and can sing to. I love to sing, but I never sing to songs that I don't know the lyrics to, and I never sing around people that I don't trust. The people that have heard me sing say that I have a good singing voice, but I honestly don't think so, because to myself, my voice sounds kinda gravelly.
-10/4/15
I have begun to take walks on a regular basis, the walks being from 1 to 5 miles long. I hope to take a 7 mile walk sometime soon, and increase how long my walks are from there. My ultimate goal is to walk to Ludlow and back, a walk that would be an estimated 18 mile trip there and back, and about an 10 hour walk.
-10/5/15
Last night I was faced with the dilemma of choosing to take back my ex boyfriend because he realized his mistake of leaving me. I was also starting to like another boy that has been mentioned in previous passages, but I still love my ex, and still isn't over him, so I decided to take him back. We've started to cuddle like we used to, and on the bus on the way home from school, he kissed me about 4x, leaving me unable to think AT ALL lol. So now I'm waiting for him at the end of his road because we are going to walk to Colby Pond. But it looks like he's coming now, so I'll post on that later.
-10/10/15
I become happier and happier, and I finally learn to swim through my thoughts. But then the situation at home gets worse. My mom and dad start to yell at me, and won't let me eat anything except for a snack and dinner when I come home from school. And even though I love to take walks, I'm practically forced to walk a mile every other day, while losing pounds that I can't afford to lose. My bff helps me to smile and laugh through everything, but I don't know if I will ever be able to escape. My thoughts tell me to die, die, die, that I'm worthless, I'm sick, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, that I shouldn't even be alive. I try to sleep as much as possible, as the thoughts can't disturb me when I'm sleeping. I wish that I could sleep forever... but I can't let anybody know that. So I keep a smile on my face, a fake laugh at hand, so that nobody finds out, so that nobody thinks I'm insane...
11/10/15
I haven't written in here for a while, so I'll get you up to date. In the last two weeks I've tried to commit suicide twice, I've been going through a LOT of mood swings, and my bff told me that she thought that I was suffering through anxiety. Despite all this I've managed to get 4 A's and 3 B's, which is much better then last years grades. This Friday, I get to play in front of the whole middle school with the MS Band. Then on either Tuesday we have to play in a concert in front of family and friends. I found the courage to break up with my bf for reasons that I REALLY don't want to explain.
Oh yeah, I also have figured out that I'm bisexual. So now I'm in love with my bff, who is also bi but has a bf and doesn't love me back. I think about it every single fucking day, and it makes me so fucking depressed. I think that's the reason that I tried to commit suicide. I love her so much...I WILL wait for her if I have to, but all I can do is hope that someday she'll love me back... She'll probably never love me... on the bus she cuddles up with her bf and they look so cute, and I feel really happy for her, but I still wish that it was me in her bf's place. God I love her. I always will I swear to god. But if she ever will love me... I'm afraid that I may never get to see that day... I may end up committing suicide and dieing before then, watching all the happy couples on the bus makes me so depressed.....
11/20/15
My life is a wreak. I'm so fucking confused nowadays, I don't know what to do... I keep watching my bff cuddle with her bf and another couple snuggle... I can't help but wish I had somebody... course I want one certain person but they don't like me back (I mentioned them in the last passage)... The other day I tried to commit suicide by taking 64 pills because I was really really depressed by this... it didn't work of course, but that only makes me want to try again, with more pills. I love her so much... I would die for her, but she would never die for me. She would die for her bf...the one she loves and the one that loves her. God I really wish that she loved me back... She never will, will she? I...I'm crying so much from typing this out, but I have to type it out, so that people know my story. She's never going to love me back, ever... *sob* she hates me now I think... We aren't as close as we used to be... I hate it, I wish that life could be like it was like before. She's never going to love me...she's always going to love him not me... *sob* *sob* I want to die.....
So here I am, in the backseat of a car filled with my family, that is traveling to Burlington, VT, to go to a wedding. I feel years older then I really am, wearing high heels for the first time, and in this, being as tall as my mom. Wearing a dress, when I don't usually like the idea of not being able to run around, but even though I can't run, I feel pretty for once, maybe pretty enough to catch someones attention. However, the person that I want to catch the attention of is at my school, and I don't get to see him other then a few times a day on weekdays. Plus, I would never be caught wearing a dress, let alone high heels, to school. I don't like having the attention on me, as it would be if I wore a dress. But I believe that soon, the first middle school dance will take place, and even though I don't wear a dress to the first three dances, I hope that the person I want the attention of will ask me to dance with him for one of the slow dance songs.
-10/1/15
I'm on the bus right now, sitting next to my bff, who is ALWAYS singing on the bus, which is fine with me, but I wish that she would play a few more songs that I know and can sing to. I love to sing, but I never sing to songs that I don't know the lyrics to, and I never sing around people that I don't trust. The people that have heard me sing say that I have a good singing voice, but I honestly don't think so, because to myself, my voice sounds kinda gravelly.
-10/4/15
I have begun to take walks on a regular basis, the walks being from 1 to 5 miles long. I hope to take a 7 mile walk sometime soon, and increase how long my walks are from there. My ultimate goal is to walk to Ludlow and back, a walk that would be an estimated 18 mile trip there and back, and about an 10 hour walk.
-10/5/15
Last night I was faced with the dilemma of choosing to take back my ex boyfriend because he realized his mistake of leaving me. I was also starting to like another boy that has been mentioned in previous passages, but I still love my ex, and still isn't over him, so I decided to take him back. We've started to cuddle like we used to, and on the bus on the way home from school, he kissed me about 4x, leaving me unable to think AT ALL lol. So now I'm waiting for him at the end of his road because we are going to walk to Colby Pond. But it looks like he's coming now, so I'll post on that later.
-10/10/15
I become happier and happier, and I finally learn to swim through my thoughts. But then the situation at home gets worse. My mom and dad start to yell at me, and won't let me eat anything except for a snack and dinner when I come home from school. And even though I love to take walks, I'm practically forced to walk a mile every other day, while losing pounds that I can't afford to lose. My bff helps me to smile and laugh through everything, but I don't know if I will ever be able to escape. My thoughts tell me to die, die, die, that I'm worthless, I'm sick, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, that I shouldn't even be alive. I try to sleep as much as possible, as the thoughts can't disturb me when I'm sleeping. I wish that I could sleep forever... but I can't let anybody know that. So I keep a smile on my face, a fake laugh at hand, so that nobody finds out, so that nobody thinks I'm insane...
11/10/15
I haven't written in here for a while, so I'll get you up to date. In the last two weeks I've tried to commit suicide twice, I've been going through a LOT of mood swings, and my bff told me that she thought that I was suffering through anxiety. Despite all this I've managed to get 4 A's and 3 B's, which is much better then last years grades. This Friday, I get to play in front of the whole middle school with the MS Band. Then on either Tuesday we have to play in a concert in front of family and friends. I found the courage to break up with my bf for reasons that I REALLY don't want to explain.
Oh yeah, I also have figured out that I'm bisexual. So now I'm in love with my bff, who is also bi but has a bf and doesn't love me back. I think about it every single fucking day, and it makes me so fucking depressed. I think that's the reason that I tried to commit suicide. I love her so much...I WILL wait for her if I have to, but all I can do is hope that someday she'll love me back... She'll probably never love me... on the bus she cuddles up with her bf and they look so cute, and I feel really happy for her, but I still wish that it was me in her bf's place. God I love her. I always will I swear to god. But if she ever will love me... I'm afraid that I may never get to see that day... I may end up committing suicide and dieing before then, watching all the happy couples on the bus makes me so depressed.....
11/20/15
My life is a wreak. I'm so fucking confused nowadays, I don't know what to do... I keep watching my bff cuddle with her bf and another couple snuggle... I can't help but wish I had somebody... course I want one certain person but they don't like me back (I mentioned them in the last passage)... The other day I tried to commit suicide by taking 64 pills because I was really really depressed by this... it didn't work of course, but that only makes me want to try again, with more pills. I love her so much... I would die for her, but she would never die for me. She would die for her bf...the one she loves and the one that loves her. God I really wish that she loved me back... She never will, will she? I...I'm crying so much from typing this out, but I have to type it out, so that people know my story. She's never going to love me back, ever... *sob* she hates me now I think... We aren't as close as we used to be... I hate it, I wish that life could be like it was like before. She's never going to love me...she's always going to love him not me... *sob* *sob* I want to die.....
Saturday, August 15, 2015
My School Life
So I'm a 8th grader, as you might have guessed already. I love to learn new things about the world, but I've never been a very big fan of going to school. Sometimes its fun, sure, but it just gets tiring after a while. Doing homework all the time, never having a chance to have fun at home cause it takes most of the time away from your day. Plus the chance that you may get bullied or will never get good grades cause of non-understanding teachers. Or even worse, never having any friends. Sure, you have the friends that you made in elementary school, but lets face it, most of those friendships end over time. I'm a really shy person at heart, and have always had a hard time getting to know other people. So when I entered middle school, I thought that I would be picked on, and never have any friends to help me through the dark moods that I have frequently. It was that way at first, but over time I got to know my classmates, and I made one of the best friends that I'll ever have. She's my BFF and she listens to me rant when I'm angry, she always manages to make me laugh when I've forgotten how to smile, and she reminds me of what i have to live for when I want to die. Sure, we fight sometimes, but doesn't everyone? I have a feeling that we will always be friends, for the rest of our lives.
But anyways, onto the bullying. I've always been afraid of being bullied. Unfortunately, that doesn't help me not be bullied. I've been bullied before, and it sucks. Just being bullied for the smallest reasons can make somebody go into depression. Whether you were bullied for small or big reasons, it still doesn't make school easier. I've gotten bullied for having no fashion sense, for having a weak and permanently sick father, for being short, and for other reasons that I will not mention. It hurts, not just physically but also emotionally. You don't know how to get the bullies to stop. You don't want to tell anyone about it cause you're afraid that the bully and his friends will find you and beat you up. I get it. I never told anyone. And I've been hurt badly because of it. But you know what else hurts because of the bullying? The fact that I couldn't tell anybody. It broke my heart, or it broke it in places that had never been broken before. I couldn't trust anyone, I still can't fully trust anybody. I'm always afraid that they will turn on me and start to torment me.
Well, that's all I have to say right now, I'll try to post another blog soon!
-Abigail
But anyways, onto the bullying. I've always been afraid of being bullied. Unfortunately, that doesn't help me not be bullied. I've been bullied before, and it sucks. Just being bullied for the smallest reasons can make somebody go into depression. Whether you were bullied for small or big reasons, it still doesn't make school easier. I've gotten bullied for having no fashion sense, for having a weak and permanently sick father, for being short, and for other reasons that I will not mention. It hurts, not just physically but also emotionally. You don't know how to get the bullies to stop. You don't want to tell anyone about it cause you're afraid that the bully and his friends will find you and beat you up. I get it. I never told anyone. And I've been hurt badly because of it. But you know what else hurts because of the bullying? The fact that I couldn't tell anybody. It broke my heart, or it broke it in places that had never been broken before. I couldn't trust anyone, I still can't fully trust anybody. I'm always afraid that they will turn on me and start to torment me.
Well, that's all I have to say right now, I'll try to post another blog soon!
-Abigail
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Songs
I often have many songs in my head at a time. Sometimes I refer to my head as a media player, as I'm usually able to figure out the lyrics to songs that I know by thinking of a part of the lyrics, a song name, or the artist of the song. Sometime I know a song that my mom can't guess off the top of her head, even when shes the one that introduced the song to me.
I also like to write my own songs. I haven't published them or anything, but I've written 2 different songs, both very emotional. Here, you can look at the lyrics if you want to:
Not Alright
by A.L.M
I hadn't always felt alone,
going down that broken road.
I used to be so happy,
and I always was singing.
But then the clouds came,
and fogged up my mind.
(chorus:)
Told my friends that I was alright,
cutting and bleeding out at night.
Faking a smile here and there,
crying out so many tears.
I was not alright.
It was small at first, but then it grew,
depression coming forth anew.
Wondering if anyone would notice,
me feeling very hopeless.
One person relized all this,
but he didn't think it would have a twist.
(chorus)
I couldn't take it anymore,
and I wanted to be done.
So I grabbed my dads gun,
and put it to my head.
Whispered,'goodbye everyone,'
and pulled the trigger and I'm dead.
(chorus 2x)
Friend
by A.L.M
My life has never been the same,
since I found the way.
Out of the darkness,
into the light.
I have found my cure,
for everything wrong.
(chorus:)
The key to the light,
instead of it being in the dark,
its inside something very simple.
The best thing you'll ever have,
that is at your side all the time.
Your best friends.
I had been walking on that dark road,
for the longest time.
I always hoped that somebody would notice,
but no one ever seemed to.
so i grabbed some old rope and
I started to prepare for my death.
(chorus)
The time had come, and
As I stood on my stool,
with the noose around my neck,
someone started to knock on the door.
My friends barged into my bedroom, and
held my hand while they untied the noose.
(chorus 2x)
I've always liked emotional songs. Love songs, depressing songs, most songs that are emotional, chances are that I've listened to them. If I haven't heard of a emotional song, its probably a new song, or a song by an artist that I don't usually listen to.
Well, this is all that I can write for now, I hope that you like my two songs. If you have any suggestions about how I can make them better, please comment. Thanks for reading!
-Abigail
I also like to write my own songs. I haven't published them or anything, but I've written 2 different songs, both very emotional. Here, you can look at the lyrics if you want to:
Not Alright
by A.L.M
I hadn't always felt alone,
going down that broken road.
I used to be so happy,
and I always was singing.
But then the clouds came,
and fogged up my mind.
(chorus:)
Told my friends that I was alright,
cutting and bleeding out at night.
Faking a smile here and there,
crying out so many tears.
I was not alright.
It was small at first, but then it grew,
depression coming forth anew.
Wondering if anyone would notice,
me feeling very hopeless.
One person relized all this,
but he didn't think it would have a twist.
(chorus)
I couldn't take it anymore,
and I wanted to be done.
So I grabbed my dads gun,
and put it to my head.
Whispered,'goodbye everyone,'
and pulled the trigger and I'm dead.
(chorus 2x)
Friend
by A.L.M
My life has never been the same,
since I found the way.
Out of the darkness,
into the light.
I have found my cure,
for everything wrong.
(chorus:)
The key to the light,
instead of it being in the dark,
its inside something very simple.
The best thing you'll ever have,
that is at your side all the time.
Your best friends.
I had been walking on that dark road,
for the longest time.
I always hoped that somebody would notice,
but no one ever seemed to.
so i grabbed some old rope and
I started to prepare for my death.
(chorus)
The time had come, and
As I stood on my stool,
with the noose around my neck,
someone started to knock on the door.
My friends barged into my bedroom, and
held my hand while they untied the noose.
(chorus 2x)
I've always liked emotional songs. Love songs, depressing songs, most songs that are emotional, chances are that I've listened to them. If I haven't heard of a emotional song, its probably a new song, or a song by an artist that I don't usually listen to.
Well, this is all that I can write for now, I hope that you like my two songs. If you have any suggestions about how I can make them better, please comment. Thanks for reading!
-Abigail
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)